I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
