is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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