i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it hurts more in the daytime
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
