i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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