My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
