OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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