She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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