She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
