Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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