I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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