mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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