are you still at the devil's house?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
