If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
