there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
