i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"