There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.