I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.