My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
