The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
