i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
