don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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