New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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