Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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