There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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