and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
