oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The adults are the big ones right?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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