she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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