I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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