Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
