mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Randomize
