And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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