True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
