I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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