benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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