I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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