I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
