I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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