I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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