I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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