After last night, I could never be a politician.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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