I wanna passion pit in your ass
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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