Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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