Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
