There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
