She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
