If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
