Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
