you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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