I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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