Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
