he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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