I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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