you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think my moral compass just broke
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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