We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
