so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
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The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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