So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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