The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
