I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize