just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
