Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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