Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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