she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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