Banned from zoo.
Again?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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