i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
