WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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